ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
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Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Raisins are grape jerky.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.