Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
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boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.