her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
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I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.