(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
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Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
This checks out
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Bread puns are on the rise!