Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
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Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way