I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
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[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”