Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
You Might Also Like
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Guantanamo Bae
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.