What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
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Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?