SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
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What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Love this one 😂🧟
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
spicy snake
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.