8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
You Might Also Like
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”