Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of gobmentcheese's best tweets

@gobmentcheese : At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone's shortcomings and they have figure out where they're supposed to sit.

@gobmentcheese: Just so you know, anytime I've said, 'duly noted,' I ain't noting shit.

@gobmentcheese: Start hating people now, so you don't have to buy them a Christmas present. Don't wait until the last minute.

@gobmentcheese: Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

@gobmentcheese: In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other's short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

@gobmentcheese: 60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

@gobmentcheese: When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, "this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now."

@gobmentcheese: The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!

@gobmentcheese: You don't know what real fear is, until you've been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

@gobmentcheese: If horror movies have taught me anything it's that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.