How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”