@gobmentcheese

Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?

@gobmentcheese

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

@gobmentcheese

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

@gobmentcheese

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

@gobmentcheese

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

@gobmentcheese

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

@gobmentcheese

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

@gobmentcheese

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”