That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
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Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.