“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
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[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Wait a minute
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions