[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[Alien monster is levelling Toronto]
CANADAMAN: Excuse me, sir, SIR, could you stop please? SIR?
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus