I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
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[being buried alive] you missed a spot
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
⚠️ Important Reminder:
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?