Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
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If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president