[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
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[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here鈥檚 wonderwall
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
How do dragons blow out candles?
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I鈥檓 going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
i鈥檓 sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn鈥檛 the sharks be on strike?
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
馃槀
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
My house is cleaner than it鈥檚 ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you鈥檒l just have to take my word for it
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it鈥檚 nice to know I鈥檓 not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
In my 20s: I鈥檒l show them
In my 30s: I probably won鈥檛 show them
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I鈥檇 be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I鈥檓 here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.