Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
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[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
I really had high hopes for this year though
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit