@goodbeanalt

if ur dating a gym rat ur single to me. what’s brad gonna do beat the shit out of me? oh really? oh ok yeah I was kidding lol literally a joke haha im sorry

@goodbeanalt

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

@goodbeanalt

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

@goodbeanalt

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

@goodbeanalt

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken