My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
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[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Oh my god
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
PLOT TWIST:
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Get in loser we’re going crying
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.