Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
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Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.