had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
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My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?