Chicago sounds lovely.
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.