Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
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Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?