Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I found your tweet-up…
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
This is the best one I’ve seen
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.