If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
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interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Me irl
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology