Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
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I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.