Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
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6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Who knew!
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.