My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring