@graceupongracie

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

@graceupongracie

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

@graceupongracie

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

@graceupongracie

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

@graceupongracie

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

@graceupongracie

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

@graceupongracie

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

@graceupongracie

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring