[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*