My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
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boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex