my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
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I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.