Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
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Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.