My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
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I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.