Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
You Might Also Like
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.