[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
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I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
this is uni
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?