Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
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son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.