Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
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Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.