Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
You Might Also Like
anyone else like Italian cereal
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.