I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
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*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*