[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
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interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
😂😂😂
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it