Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
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I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
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In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.