Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you