I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
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Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank