My barista recognizes me, but she doesn’t seem to know my name. I mean, she’ll look right at me and just yell “get out of my house!”
Me: *walking through office with a big smile on my face*
Coworker: Wow, you sure do have a lot of pep in your step today! You get lucky last night?
[Flashback to that morning when I found 3 Doritos in my robe pocket getting out of shower]
I’m pretty sure Tom and Jerry were married.
Sure, there were some instances of them getting along, but mostly they never talked and spent their days trying to kill each other in the most painful way possible.
Just asked someone I thought was Gary Busey for an autograph.
She was not happy.
Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck.
Dad: So you’re saying they almost…
Mom: Don’t do it!
Dad: …mowed you down.
Her: I need a living will.
Me: *wiping blood off knife* I’ve got a dead Steve. Close enough?
Yes kids, Daddy does have a favorite and you’ll find out which one of you it is when my will is read.
Me: You’re clingy & adorable. Like a koala.
Her: I’m amazed you can spell koala.
Me: *deletes ‘how to spell coalla’ from browser history*
Her: Why is every chocolate in the box half eaten?
[Flashback to me biting every piece to find one I like]
Me: We have a rat problem.
Counselor: Why do you resent your wife
Me: She made me get out of line for Springsteen tix
M: Something about her water breaking