Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
You Might Also Like
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
LOL!
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Mornin
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.