GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
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[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
What if the hobbits couldn鈥檛 fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 馃檮
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
The Beatles: 馃幎 lend me your ears and I鈥檒l sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I don鈥檛 think this bowl of Reese鈥檚 Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.