My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
You Might Also Like
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
be careful
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.