@gwatts77

If I donate blood and you’re in an unfortunate circumstance of needing it don’t blame me for never being able to pass a drug test again.

@gwatts77

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

@gwatts77

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

@gwatts77

Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.

@gwatts77

A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs…by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.

@gwatts77

Judging by how all of these ladies tweet about cucumbers I’m pretty sure size does matter because I never see them tweeting about carrots 🙁

@gwatts77

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

@gwatts77

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

@gwatts77

If you steal my identity and get a credit card I’ll be impressed. Not because you stole my identity, but because you got approved. Kudos!