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My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Nice try, poison.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I like crazy people until they notice me
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.