Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
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I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Yup….perfect score!
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok