Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
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Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
wish me luck lads
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems